finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize