i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
