where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
