When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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