you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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