Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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