trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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