it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
