Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
