Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
