My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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