meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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