She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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