told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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