TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
