I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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