look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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