I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize