I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
