you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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