I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
