absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
dude. I can hear the air.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
