I will die if light touches me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
