I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
