the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
