You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
