If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
