Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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