oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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