On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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