So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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