i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
