i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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