filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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