this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize