ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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