THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
