everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
