i love accidental penises.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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