I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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