You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
