I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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