I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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