Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
