My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
