I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize