lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
