Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
