If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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