hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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