You're my little dorito
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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