Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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