She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
