I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
