From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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