I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
