Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
